It’s often not the silence itself that hurts. Rather, it's the story we tell ourselves about what the silence means.

I still remember one of the first times I sat across from a client describing the crushing weight of “overthinking.”  They said: “He didn’t reply for hours… I know I’m being irrational, but my brain starts building a whole narrative—about me, about us, about everything.”

You might call it being irrational, but it's deeply human.

This is what our brains do under stress: they seek certainty. And when certainty isn’t available, they fill in the blanks with whatever past experiences have taught them to expect. That’s where thinking errors (aka cognitive distortions) slip in quietly and shape our reality before we even notice.

Reframing is about making space between what happened and what our mind decided it meant.  It's a critical skill that we can all develop.

Step 1: Describe the Situation — Anchor Yourself in the Concrete

The first step isn’t glamorous. When emotions run high, our brain blurs the line between perception and fact. So we begin here: with what actually happened.

• Where were you?
• What was said (or not said)?
• Who was involved?
• What did you observe—not interpret, but observe?

“I sent a message and didn’t get a response” is a fact.
“They’re angry with me” is a story.

This small separation creates the first thread of psychological flexibility. It moves us from reactivity to reflective awareness.

Step 2: Identify the Thought — Shine a Light on the Automatic Narrative

Thoughts are fast. Often, they arrive before we realize we’re having them. But slowing down allows us to identify what’s looping in the background.

Ask yourself:

• What am I telling myself about what happened?
• What assumption am I making?
• If I were to write down the exact thought, what would it say?

This is where cognitive distortions live:

• Mind reading — “I know what they’re thinking.”
• Catastrophizing — “This is the beginning of the end.”
• Personalization — “This must be my fault.”
• All-or-nothing thinking — “If they cared, they’d respond right away.”

Naming the distortion doesn’t make the thought disappear—but it removes its invisibility cloak.

Step 3: Label the Emotion and Behaviour — Because Thoughts Don’t Live Alone

Thoughts don’t just exist in the mind; they live in the body. A single thought can ripple through our nervous system, sparking a cascade of emotional and behavioral responses.

Ask yourself:

• What emotion showed up alongside this thought?
  (Fear, shame, guilt, anger, disappointment, loneliness?)
• Where do I feel it in my body?
• How did it shape my actions or urges?

“I felt rejected” often leads to withdrawing, people-pleasing, or spiraling. These aren’t character flaws—they’re protective strategies the nervous system has practiced over time.

When we acknowledge the emotion, we stop fighting ourselves.
We stop making the emotion the enemy.

Step 4: Challenge the Thought — Building Cognitive Flexibility

This is where reframing becomes an act of emotional intelligence rather than denial. We ask gentle but precise questions:

• Was my thought proportionate to the situation?
• What evidence supports it?
• What evidence contradicts it?
• What other explanations are equally, or more, plausible?

This step invites nuance into black-and-white thinking. It’s the difference between, “They must be angry with me” and “There could be ten reasons they haven’t replied, none of which involve me.”

Reframing isn’t forcing yourself to think positively. It’s widening the lens.

Step 5: Practice, Don’t Perfect — Neural Pathways Take Time

Our brains love familiar stories, even painful ones. It takes time to create new mental grooves. Reframing is less like flipping a switch and more like gently redirecting a river—again and again.

• Some days, you’ll catch the distortion quickly.
• Other days, it’ll spiral before you realize what happened.

Both are part of the work.
Over time, the practice builds cognitive flexibility, emotional regulation, and a quiet but steady self-trust.

Why This Work Matters

When we don’t name our distortions, they silently shape our sense of worth, relationships, and decisions. But when we slow down, separate fact from story, and bring compassion to our emotional landscape, we reclaim agency.

Reframing is about holding the feeling without letting it dictate the narrative.

You can be scared and still challenge the thought.
You can feel the sting, but still widen the story.

That’s growth.
That’s self-leadership.
That’s emotional intelligence in motion.

If this resonates, pause and try it with a small moment from your week. Start with one thought, name the emotion, and gently widen your lens. This is how we change not just our thoughts, but definitely our relationship with them.

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Photo by Roma Kaiuk🇺🇦 on Unsplash