Boundaries & Focusing on What You Can Control

Boundaries are one of those words that get tossed around a lot, but in therapy they aren’t about walls, ultimatums, or shutting people out. As a psychotherapist supporting clients with anxiety and burnout, I often frame boundaries as shared expectations with thoughtful consequences. They are acts of fairness and respect—both for yourself and for others. When we set them proactively, it’s natural to expect some pushback. But rather than a sign you’ve done something wrong, pushback is often evidence that you’re making an intentional change.

At their core, boundaries are not about controlling others or being inflexible. They are about focusing on what you can control—your own choices around energy, presence, and engagement. For many of my clients—whether they’re high achievers, people pleasers, or parents navigating overwhelm—this shift is life-changing.

The Three Levers: Frequency, Duration, and Intensity

I coach clients in boundary setting to think about boundaries as adjustable dials rather than hard-and-fast rules.

• Frequency → How often do you want to engage? Example: deciding to call a parent once a week instead of daily.
• Duration → How much time feels sustainable? Example: limiting conversations to 30 minutes.
• Intensity → How deep or personal will you go? Example: choosing to stick to safe topics, or kindly declining triggering ones.

This framework helps clients in therapy find more flexibility. Instead of saying “I can’t do this anymore,” you might say “I can do this differently.”

Why Boundaries Feel Hard

For many people, the hardest part of boundaries isn’t the conversation itself; it’s the guilt that follows. The fear of being seen as selfish. The worry about rejection or the innate reflex to people-please.

In counselling people pleasers and over-thinkers, I often invite therapy clients to notice what part of them is triggered (i.e., stress, overwhelm, or guilt.) Boundaries prevent us from micro-abandoning ourselves. Think those small moments when we give away our power, ignore our needs, or say yes when we mean no.

Practicing Boundaries: Start Small

Like any new skill, boundaries get easier with practice. In therapy sessions for high achievers and entrepreneurs, we often start where the stakes are lower—with a colleague or a friend, rather than a partner or parent.

• Journal what you’d like to say.
• Script a sentence or two that feels aligned.
• Practice speaking it into the mirror to feel the weight of your words.

These aren’t rehearsals for perfection and help support nervous system regulation.

The End Goal: Self-Trust, Not Perfect Calm

The goal of boundary work isn’t to feel calm and regulated at all times. It’s to trust yourself enough to return to baseline more quickly, and to know you won’t abandon yourself. Over time, that self-trust can lead to less resentment, more energy, and healthier connected relationships.

The Boundary Experiment Guide

1. Identify → What feels draining, overwhelming, or sad?
2. Choose a lever → Adjust frequency, duration, or intensity.
3. Script it → Journal or mirror-practice your words.
4. Test it → Try in a low-stakes situation.
5. Reflect → Did you feel more grounded? Do you want to adjust?

This step-by-step process gives clients in online therapy across Ontario a practical way to build confidence and self-respect.

Final Word

Boundaries are not the end of connection; they’re what make connection sustainable. Each time you practice, you strengthen your ability to return to yourself with trust and respect. Over time, that creates relationships where both you and the other person can show up authentically.

If you’re curious about boundary setting therapy in Ontario or want to explore how anxiety counselling in Uxbridge and online could support you, we offer free discovery calls.

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Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash