When everything feels like a test you either pass or fail, it’s hard to trust yourself in the grey.

A Moment I See Often

From my chair as a therapist, I watch it play out, all the time. Someone is describing a moment that didn’t go quite as planned—a conversation that went sideways, a task they didn’t finish, a partner who didn’t respond the way they’d hoped. Their tone shifts almost imperceptibly as they land on the punchline they’ve already decided:

“I’m such an idiot.”
“I always mess this up.”
“I’ll never get it right.”

There’s no space between the event and the judgment. No curiosity or pause for compassion. Just a quiet but powerful leap from “I made a mistake” to “I am a mistake.”

This is all-or-nothing thinking. A cognitive distortion that can turn a single moment into a verdict on a person’s worth. It shows up in boardrooms and bedrooms alike. It’s the silent narrative that drives perfectionism, people-pleasing, and shame.

At a Glance

• What it is: A cognitive distortion that sorts everything—yourself, others, or a situation—into “good” or “bad,” with no room in between.
• Why it matters: It fuels shame, erodes self-trust, and drives disconnection from self and others.
• Where it shows up: Leadership, relationships, ADHD and neurodivergence, perfectionism, and burnout.
• What helps: Fact-checking your thoughts, expanding your language, gentle reframing, and learning to hold nuance.

What All-or-Nothing Thinking Really Is

All-or-nothing thinking is one of the most common Cognitive Distortions explored in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

It’s the mental habit of sorting experiences into opposing categories—success or failure, right or wrong, good or bad—without acknowledging the complex space between.

This black and white thinking can feel protective. After all, the brain loves certainty. It gives us fast answers and a sense of control. But that clarity strips away context, nuance, and self-compassion. Making it most problematic.

How It Shows Up in Real Life

In Leadership

A single mistake becomes proof of inadequacy:

“If I didn’t handle that presentation perfectly, I’m a bad leader.”

This often leads to people-pleasing, overfunctioning, or quietly withdrawing to avoid being “found out.”

In Couples

Conflict becomes a scorecard.

“You didn’t do what I needed, which means you don’t care.”

One fight gets turned into a sweeping statement about the entire relationship, leaving little space for repair or complexity.

In ADHD and Neurodivergence

Many of my neurodivergent clients say:

“I’m lazy. I’m underperforming. I can’t get it right.”

These aren’t just casual thoughts—they’re loaded verdicts fueled by years of internalized expectations and the fear of letting others down. It’s a blend of self-criticism and survival strategy that often leads to self-abandonment.

Why All-or-Nothing Thinking Is a Problem

• Keeps you stuck in shame spirals
• Blocks self-trust and emotional regulation
• Creates distance and defensiveness in relationships
• Undermines leadership confidence and resilience
• Amplifies rejection sensitivity and internalized ableism for ADHD and neurodivergent folks

When your internal world is built on all-or-nothing stories, every stumble feels like a catastrophe. It becomes nearly impossible to access the grey; the space where real change and connection happen.

Practical Ways to Loosen the Grip

Awareness is the first step, but practice is where the shift happens.

1. Ask Grounding Questions

• “Is that fact true?”
• “Could I defend this thought with evidence in front of a judge?”
• “Are there exceptions to this story?”
• “How might someone else in the room see this?”

2. Expand Your Language

Words matter. Move away from absolutes like always, never, good, bad, success, failure and toward language that allows for complexity.

“I didn’t meet my own expectations today” is very different from “I’m a failure.”

3. Reframe Gently

Notice where your mind collapses complexity into a single label, and invite a both/and statement:

“That conversation was hard and I showed up with care.”
“I didn’t get everything done and I made progress.”

4. Reflect in Writing

Journal prompt:

“What truth lives in the grey area of this story?”

Journaling externalizes the thought so it no longer sits like an unchallenged verdict in your mind.

A Gentle Challenge

If this resonates, notice how often all-or-nothing thinking shows up in your own inner dialogue. This isn’t about shaming the thought, but rather about naming it, gently loosening its grip, and practicing new language that honours complexity.

Growth doesn’t happen in the extremes. It happens in the grey.

Therapy can be a supportive space to explore and untangle these patterns—especially for leaders, couples, and neurodivergent folks who carry the weight of impossible internal standards.

Ready to stop living in all-or-nothing stories? Book a discovery call and let’s build more space in the grey together.

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Photo by hezdar nagz on Unsplash