‍By Elaine Dickens, MA, RP | Founder, Live Inspired Wellness

Let me say this upfront:
Couples therapy is not for the faint of heart.

I said this aloud this week, during an inital session.

It’s not about learning to communicate better (though that helps).
It’s not about saying the “right” thing (your nervous system won’t let you).
And it’s definitely not about finding a referee to take your side.

In my practice, I integrate emotionally focused approaches with practical tools rooted in neuroscience, self-awareness, and nervous system regulation. Whether you lean logical or emotional, avoidant or anxious, ADHD-brained or hyper-independent—what matters most is how safe your relationship feels.

This isn’t about who’s broken or right.
It’s about understanding the emotional choreography you’re both caught in and choosing to rewrite it, together.

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1. Conflict is a Protest for Connection
What looks like “nagging” or shutdown is usually something deeper:
“Do I matter to you?”
“Will you still choose me when I’m messy?”
“Can I trust that you’ll show up emotionally—not just logistically?”

Most couples don’t fight because they hate each other. They fight because something precious feels out of reach, and they don’t know how to say it.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us that beneath every protest is a need, longing or fear.
Your reactivity? That’s a signal, not an internal flaw.

2. Your Nervous System Is in the Room Too
Especially for folks with ADHD or trauma, conflict isn’t just about words—it’s about regulation.
If you’ve ever shut down mid-conversation or escalated quickly, your brain’s not broken. It’s trying to protect you. But relational safety can’t happen when you're in fight, flight, or freeze.

Before insight, we need co-regulation. Before strategy, we need safety.
Therapy helps you feel each other again; not just fix each other.

3. You Will Feel Exposed and That’s Where Healing Starts
Couples therapy will ask you to go deeper than “we’re just not communicating.”
It might ask you to say things like:

“I’m afraid you don’t actually like me.”
“I act like I don’t care because I’m scared you’ll reject me.”
“I grew up believing love was earned, and I don’t know how to let it just be.”

Those truths are raw, but they’re also what your partner needs to hear, even if they don’t know it yet.

4. ADHD and Love Languages Don’t Always Line Up
Sometimes your partner’s “forgetfulness” feels like a rejection.
Sometimes your “over-talking” feels like control to them.
Sometimes you’re both trying so hard, but speaking past each other.

Neurodivergent brains process differently. But that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. It means you need to understand the system you’re in—and give each other the benefit of context, not just character.

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5. Repair is More Important Than Resolution
You might not agree on every parenting style, or how clean the kitchen should be, or how long to stay at family dinners.

But what matters most is:
Can you turn toward each other after disconnection?
Can you repair without one of you feeling like a villain?
Can you say “I see you” even if you’re still working on the solution?

That’s the glue. That’s what predicts longevity—not the absence of rupture, but the willingness to reach.

6. Your Therapist Isn’t There to Take Sides (But They Are on the Side of the Relationship)
Some sessions might feel like we’re digging up old wounds.
Others might feel surprisingly quiet, like we’re learning to just be in the same space again without a storm.

The work of EFT is slow and sacred. We’re not just changing behaviours—we’re changing how your bond feels.

That’s what keeps love alive- presence.

What I Know Now
I used to think couples therapy was about fixing things.
Now I know that it’s about feeling things again, together.

It’s about building a secure bond that can weather the storms.
It’s about creating space for both your strengths and your sensitivities.
It’s about making love feel safe again.

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So if you're reading this and wondering, “Can this really help us?

Know this: If you're willing to show up (not perfectly), but honestly, there’s hope

Because change doesn’t start when everything is okay.
It starts the moment we admit we don’t want to keep going like this.

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And you don’t have to figure it out alone.

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Curious about starting? We work with individuals and couples navigating ADHD, emotional reactivity, trauma, and disconnection. It’s not too late to build the relationship you want. One conversation at a time. Book a free consultation. #RISEwithLiveInspired

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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

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