If you’ve ever heard of Spoon Theory, you know it started with Christine Miserandino’s now-classic essay describing her lived experience with chronic illness. The idea is simple: spoons represent energy. Every task—getting dressed, cooking dinner, managing sensory overwhelm, or navigating a difficult conversation—costs spoons. When you run out, you’re done. No amount of willpower magically produces more.

For ADHD and autistic folks, spoon theory hits home. And that's why I love sharing in my individual and couples therapy sessions. Executive functioning, emotional regulation, and sensory input all take spoons. What often gets overlooked is how this plays out in relationships. When one or both partners are neurodivergent, communication itself costs spoons, and misunderstandings multiply when we don’t name that.

Why Communication Costs Spoons

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens, communication is not just about exchanging information. It’s about creating emotional safety. That requires energy—self-regulation, slowing down, listening with empathy. For neurodivergent partners, these steps can feel heavier:

• Executive Function Load: Remembering the right words, keeping track of the thread of a conversation, or filtering distractions can cost extra spoons.
• Emotional Regulation: Big emotions (frustration, defensiveness, rejection sensitivity) mean more spoons spent calming the nervous system before you can re-engage.
• Sensory or Social Fatigue: After a long workday, one partner may literally have no spoons left for nuanced conversation.

When spoons run low, couples often misread it: one sees “avoidance” when the other is simply depleted, or one feels “ignored” when their partner has no spoons left to listen. The challenge isn't necessarily the need for quiet or a break; it's the silence or the gap created between the couple.

Everyday Ways to Talk in Spoons

Instead of powering through and risking shutdown or escalation, couples can use spoon theory as a shared language. Here are some ways it can sound in practice:

• Naming Capacity:
  “I only have two spoons left tonight. Can we keep this to a quick check-in and save the heavier stuff for tomorrow?”
• Checking In Instead of Assuming:
  “Do you have enough spoons to talk about our weekend plans right now, or should we wait until after dinner?”
• Tagging Out Safely:
  “I’m out of spoons, but I care about this. Can we pause and set a time to come back?”
• Co-Regulating Together:
  “I can see you’re low on spoons. Let’s walk the dog and circle back—it’ll give us both space to reset.”

These aren’t excuses to sidestep hard conversations. They’re invitations to pause, regulate, and repair—the very foundation of secure attachment. Stay with me here: when conflict is held this way, it doesn’t push partners apart, it deepens connection.

Emotional Intelligence Meets Spoons

Spoon language works because it turns an invisible reality (limited energy) into something visible and negotiable. That’s the essence of emotional intelligence in relationships: noticing your internal state, communicating it clearly, and respecting your partner’s reality too.

For couples navigating ADHD, this can be a game-changer. Naming spoons can prevent arguments fuelled by executive function challenges and overcommitment (CHADD on ADHD & Relationships).

For autistic partners, spoons also reflect sensory or social energy. Recognizing that withdrawal may mean “out of spoons” rather than “out of love” helps partners soften into empathy instead of defensiveness (The Autism Society).

Parents raising neurodivergent teens or young adults can also adapt this language at home. Instead of framing a teen as “lazy” or “disrespectful,” you can reframe: “Maybe they’re out of spoons.” It shifts the lens from judgment to curiosity.

The Takeaway

Neurodivergent couples need a shared language for energy and capacity. Spoon theory can be that bridge. By naming spoons, you’re not only avoiding unnecessary fights—you’re building trust and connection.

Because sometimes, love is not about having unlimited energy for each other. It’s about being honest about what you have to give, and returning to the table when you’re ready.

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Want to take this deeper? Try using spoon language in one conversation this week and see what shifts. Then, share this article with your partner so you can build the language together. And if you find yourselves stuck in the cycle, consider booking a Discovery Call to explore how therapy can help you strengthen connection, even when spoons run low.

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Photo by Wiki Sinaloa on Unsplash

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