When men come to therapy, they don’t usually lead with grief. Or loneliness. Or shame. They come into their first sessions talking about stress, frustration and fatigue.

They say things like:

“I’m just tired.”
“Work’s been intense.”
“I feel like I can’t win at home anymore.”

But under those words, there’s usually something quieter: A question they don’t quite know how to ask.
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Am I failing?
Is this all there is?
Why does it feel like I’m always disappointing the people I love most?

These are the men I sit with counselling. Good men. Trying men. But, men who never learned what to do with their inner world; so they focused on the outer one instead.

The Emotional Economy of Men

A lot of men have learned to relate through function—not feeling.
They show up by doing. Fixing. Providing. Pushing through. That’s the emotional currency they were taught holds value.

But when their efforts don’t land; when the dishwasher gets emptied but resentment still hangs in the air, it doesn’t just confuse them.
It stings. It hits that old, unspoken nerve:

“No matter what I do, I’m not enough.”

That’s the moment disconnection sets in.
They might not shut down on purpose.
But they retreat. Into work. Into tasks. Into distraction. Into silence.

It’s not apathy.
It’s pain.

Loneliness in a Life That Looks Fine

I’ve worked with men who are leaders in their companies. Respected by their peers. Reliable to their families.
And still? They feel utterly alone. Not because they don’t have people around them. But because they’ve learned to edit themselves so tightly, they barely recognize what’s real anymore.

They tell me they feel numb, and I challenge that notion:
“Are you feeling too little—or too much?” (Insert extra long pause for effect...)

Many would rather work late than go home; not because they don’t love their family, but because at work, they feel competent.
At home, they feel clumsy. Helpless. Like nothing they do counts.

And there’s guilt in that.
The kind that piles up quietly.
The kind that sounds like:

“What’s wrong with me that I feel more at ease at work than around the people I love?”
“Why do I shut down when my partner asks me what I’m feeling?”
“Why can’t I just be better?”

What Therapy Looks Like—When It’s Working

Therapy isn’t about blaming your childhood or analyzing your every move. Rather, it’s about loosening the grip of those invisible scripts:
That you have to earn love. That emotion is weakness. That your worth depends on what you produce.

We work on emotional vocabulary, but more than that, on emotional permission.
Permission to feel anger without turning it inward.
Permission to grieve what you never got to name.
Permission to ask for closeness without shame.

Some men cry in the first session.
Some don’t say much until the fourth.
Some can only describe their emotions through metaphor, muscle, or memory.
All of it is welcome.

The truth is, emotional intelligence isn’t a soft skill. It’s highly skilled.
And most men already have the raw material. They just haven’t had anyone help them translate it into connection.

To the Partner Reading This

If you’ve felt like he’s miles away—even when he’s in the room—please know: it’s not always because he doesn’t care.
Sometimes, it’s because he’s in a kind of internal freeze. Not knowing how to fix it. Not knowing how to say it.
And afraid that whatever he does will still fall short.

That doesn’t mean you should abandon your own needs or make excuses. It just means the story is probably more layered than what you’re seeing on the surface.

Therapy doesn’t turn men into someone new. It helps them come home to themselves.

And when that happens; when men start to feel emotionally safe in their own skin—it changes how they show up in every other relationship too.

If You’re a Man Reading This

You are not weak for feeling lost. You’re not broken for needing help. And you’re not failing for struggling with connection.

You’ve likely never been taught what to do with your pain—except to hide it, bury it, or distract from it.
That doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

You don’t need to perform your way into being loved. You already are.
Therapy just helps you remember how to feel it again.

This is Men’s Mental Health Month.
And maybe reading this—yes, (this—is the sign.)
Because feeling numb doesn’t always mean you feel nothing.
Sometimes it means you’re carrying more than you’ve ever said out loud.

So what do you have to lose?
A little pride… or a lot of silence?

You don’t have to keep going this way.
Reach out when you're ready.

Book a complimentary 15 minute consultation

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Photo by pratik prasad on Unsplash

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